Finding forward flow

We have arrived at a point in my blogging efforts where I start to feel like I’m shouting into a void, or perhaps just talking to myself in the bathroom mirror. I’ve started to question whether or not I have anything to say that anyone wants to hear, feeling a lot of pressure about what I should talk about next. Instead of trying to be edgy, interesting or creative, I’m just going to be…real. It’s not glamorous but I think I can pull it off. We’ll see!

I am halfway through my ICU rotation now, with 2 weeks left to go. I am working on the Cardiovascular ICU and I’ve been on the “D1” team, which is the less acute heart failure, heart attacks, valve replacements and various cardiac related problems. The physiology behind the medicine has a lot of physics and flow dynamics and you have to think a lot about why something is happening to your patient, which is sort of unusual for medicine. Medical school has taught me not to ask why things happen in the human body because the answer so frequently is that we don’t know. And it makes lecturers grumpy to have to admit that.

But in heart failure, mechanism of dysfunction is an important thing to consider. Is there hypertension? What is the size of the aorta? The left ventricle? Then there is the tender balance between necessary diuresis and possible kidney trouble. We care a lot about kidneys in the CV ICU.

Like any workplace, the co-workers make or break your experience. I’ve been really lucky with my team so far. Next week there are big changes in the resident & fellow schedules so my fellow 4^th year and I will have a bunch of new people we are working with. And I will be switching to the “D2” team, which has advanced therapy heart failure and heart transplant patients, so it will be the same, but also different for the last 2 weeks.

Though it is not time yet for my promised mid-month reminder email to donors, I’ve been receiving PayPal & checks steadily this month. Every notification gives me a sense of support, friendship and gratitude. Already the donations have made a difference, I’m much less stressed about going into the usually lean 3^rd month of the term. We will have enough to make it until the Spring financial aid disbursement happens at the end of March. That’s because of my friends who have donated. Thank you!

I want to show you all something that has touched me and helped me launch this blog. Amanda Palmer spoke in 2013 in this cool TED talk about asking for help from her fans. Mostly what I know about Amanda Palmer is that she is married to and has a baby with Neil Gaiman. Apparently she also sings? From food to crash space to Neti pots to paying what you want for her music – she has a wonderful attitude about the reciprocal benefits of asking & receiving. She talks about the authentic connections and unique experiences that asking for help has provided for her. If you have 13 minutes, I highly recommend it! We should all remember that when we allow others to help us, we are also giving them a gift as well. 

I watched this talk again before writing this post and while I was listening, I was reminded of a fantastic organization that I know about here in Portland. Enso Theatre Ensemble is a special project that works to support many artists in the community. They also have an education and mentorship mission. My daughter has worked with them as an assistant stage manager and loved the experience. At every performance, there is a warm up act and art for sale. Check out their website, they can explain their wonderful mission better than I can.

I’ve felt much less stressed out at school than I was before my lengthy break, due in large part, my reduced feeling of isolation. Every time I get a PayPal update or a check in the mail I remember that all these people have my back and believe in me enough to help me out. Also after 12 weeks off from school to remember how to relax, read a book and develop real interests, I’m trying to keep that momentum as I re-integrate into med school life. I’ve just finished reading The Pirate King, by Laurie R. King. She writes a fantastic series based on the stories of Sherlock Holmes with a female protagonist named Mary Russell. This one was new to me but this is a series that I own and can read over and over again. I’m looking forward to getting the next book that is available in trade paperback. As for the latest book, it was released as a hardback in April of last year so I think I’ll have to wait a while for that one.

I’m also still working on needle felting projects, though I enjoy the beginning shaping of the pieces much more than the fine, patient work of finishing (guess which part involves more stabbing). I’ve got 3 little nesting dolls I’ve created that are only lacking in embellishment. They are mostly a weekend project since I’m waking at 4:30am and am usually too tired & eyesore to work on them on work days.

If we were at the same point in my blogging efforts that we were at in the beginning of this post, I would be worried that this piece was too much stream of consciousness and not worthy of posting. Fortunately, the creative process provides forward flow for a stuck writer as well as an ACE inhibitor does for a patient in decompensated heart failure with reduced ejection fraction. And like regular blood tests to check in on kidney function, I will continue to check in with you all about life & medical school so you can see what a gift we are giving each other through this process.